Because Mother You Weren't There.

So doing it different tonight:
 Here's a letter to my Mother,

Mom,

Am I even sure that I can call you that, you haven't earned that title you've put me through hell and fire and I never truly found the ice to heal the burning sores that you left in my heart? little by little since I was young enough to remember you tore pieces of me off, changing me, dictating me, abusing me. But Mom, I sat and I loved you anyway, the booze got the best of you, time and time again. Vodka was its name, the demon you carry inside sometimes whiskey, other times Rum. You do not know the scars that you have left, while the physical damage is gone, the collateral still is shown on the inside. Mom, you were supposed to love me and hold me close, to be there and teach me things, instead, you found your way down the neck of the bottle but each time I forgave you. I think it was the love I craved, the love that only a true mother could give to her childern, the kind that knows no bounds. I've always wondered what your arms would feel like, had you ever hugged me and held me tight. Yes, let's not take recognition to the younger days where your drinking was tamed and a song or two that once rolled from your lips so pretty. I used to think that you should be a singer, you had the voice. But those days soon were washed away by the scent of booze, pool tables, and cheap cologne, that came with the bar up the road. I don't know if you remember all the times that you wouldn't come home. Where Dad, sis and I would wonder where mom was? I remember because who can truly forget the mother that wasn't there. I have to stop and question sometimes if you even remember half of the shit you put us all through. Should I go into detail about the two different times that we ended up homeless and how we ended up there each time, if I recall your selfishness got in the way, your pride and delusion that we needed a stable "Man" in our lives drove you to chose all the wrong ones except for Dad, who fell out of love with you before the marriage got started but he stayed, he tried, he cared and he loved us, girls, more than you did. You know mom, it took me years to get over what you did, secretly praying that you'd loved us, that you would finally come around and be the Mom I needed. Which brings us to the now of it all. Which chance are we on now Mom, six? I should have drawn the line at none, but because my eager heart ached so deeply and thought, in faith that my mother, an alcoholic, once an alcoholic always will be, would change that she actually cared, but its still the same boozy selfishness, the only difference. I'm an adult now, and I say when you can't hurt me anymore. You've done enough damage, now it's time to leave me be. My kids need me, my three beautiful bright-eyed boys, the ones that you will never have a chance to corrupt, the ones that will eventually ask mama about her past, I may or may not tell them. But what I know now is I'm a damn good mother, one that cares and strives for her children success, one who knows, there's a time for fun and there are times to be serious. You couldn't differentiate the two, it was like life was one big selfish game to you, and if you didn't get what you wanted you moved on. That's okay Mom, cause now I can finally say I'm done. Thank you for teaching me how to be a better mother to my boys. I've become strong without you, a damn good woman without you, I've learned to accept that I don't have a mom and saying that pains my heart but over time it won't you'll be a stranger to me. I want you to remember one thing as I go. You did this to yourself, no one but you, you chose this Mother. You, not me. I can hear you in my head, saying" you and your sister have always treated me like Dog Shit, you do not care " I've gotten mad and I've screamed at you before in the past but Mother please understand, when your told that you are the cause of someones drinking, you shrink, maybe a couple inches maybe more, You do not know the things you say or the harm you cause. Goodbye


Thanks, Maddy