Tired and Not Giving A Damn.

Well, we have all certainly been there!

The place to where we have been beaten down to the point where caring seems non-existence. Maybe it was caused by a traumatic event, seeing a loved one hurt or just the stress of the fast-paced lifestyle. When you reach this point, is there a way to crawl back out? Does resilience step in and counter react the damage? I'm sure it does but for that time you are locked in a silent bubble, withering away in your own thoughts almost demanding retribution for the pain. I've said it once and I'll continue to agree life is an unfair bitch. She will backstab you twisting the knife so the wound never closes completely. Oh, the glory that she must feel, as you lie in a puddle of sorrow, endlessly waiting for the light in the tunnel. It's there you just might need glasses to see it. Sometimes the light may seem small and the journey to overcoming, long. People rarely see you for what you hold on the inside, the pain that runs long and deep. The tired, the ache that you hide behind eyes that fake a smile. Deception is a strong game to play, but one that human beings know so well. Most of us do not intend to be deceitful but tuck away our true emotions to give the appearance of strength.

But, when a person becomes tired of it all, that sensitivity to a subject starts to leak and the fragile body appears, giving way to hate and as the title describes, not giving a damn. As humans, we constantly, grow and change, we learn from events and either exceed who we put behind us or become bitter. With either choice is a person who was affected by an event. It's not a coincidence that someone is cold-hearted or turned off from the rest of the room's activities, there is more being said inside their minds than what their bodies will allow them to display. Think about it, picture you are sitting at a church sermon with maybe 50 people, at least half of the people there have trouble on their minds because, life has dragged them down, and maybe 10% of them are suffering from depression but because appearances are important or they do not want others to worry about them, they get up and put on a brave face. What is not seen is the hurt underneath it all, I applaud all the tenderhearted folks like myself, we love too much and caring eventually brings us to the point that giving a damn will kill us. Wearing our hearts on our sleeve is both the best and worst defense mechanism, you decide.

Thank you,
Maddie

(Also featured on www.Maddietaylorknowslife.com)

If Nothing is Done. ( Sensitive)

If nothing is done, nothing will be accomplished. If we allow ourselves to sit and feel sorry instead of taking action bad things will continue to happen. We are the people, we are human, we have the power and if we don't we can take the power because trusting in a person sitting on their ass is getting us nowhere. There's a big difference between saying and doing. When your words are empty, take fault, take action and prove that you can do something. When you speak empty words you're taking the coward way out. A failure, As humans we consist of many things but brave needs to be at the top of our list, fearless and then smart. Smart enough to realize that there is a major problem in front of our faces. Smart enough to step up and give a shit.

I know that America is taken aback by the recent Stoneman Douglas shooting what number does that make for 2018, 8 I believe? If I'm wrong to let me know. 8! and were now closing out February, Are you kidding me? We are helpless. Crying out for change and those in charge just want to hand us a prayer and pray that we will find healing, but what's being done? NOTHING! It's saddening and pathetic. How many people have to die before they get a clue. How much torture does this "Free" nation have to endure before finding peace? I can go on and on about how pissed I am, but I'm sure like me, the rest of you are too.

America used to be a good place to be, the land of opportunity, what are they going to call us now "America the land of death?" oh no, how about "America, where Mass shooting happen?"

Where is common sense, where is the action? Where is the care? Oh, wait it's sitting on its ass in the comfy old white house, offering EMPTY WORDS.

As a Mother, I'm fearful like I have eaten a pound of concrete, tha is weighing me down. I dont want to send my children to school, My oldest starts preschool this year. Is there an age group that mass shooters don't target or is anyone a target because that's not clarified. It's a very real possibility that I send my child to school and I will sit fearfully that some Man or woman with a gun won't shoot my child just for the hell of it. Hello, My name is a stalker, I'll be watching like a HAWk..

NO, GD no. I shouldn't be scared to send my kid to school in fear that he'll be killed, I should worry about a harmless bully picking on him not some jerk off with an AR-15. It is 2018 and we don't have the common sense to take control, to not protect our future, our kids are the FUTURE! and there we go back to the man in Washington Sitting on his plump ass watching the violence unfold.  It's so pathetic, that the man that's going to "Make America Great Again" has let it slip right through his fingers and has done nothing while he receives money from the NRA? Get a Grip!
I still am a big believer in peace and that having a voice can make a change but this democracy of a country is starting to feel more like a dictatorship than the freedom we are promised, cause we are not free if we are not safe. I applaud anyone reading this who has the guts to send their children to school. I'm really fighting myself this year, where the number is higher and mental instability rates are higher and higher. Guns kill people, people kill people. There is no in-between. Gun Safety needs to be a priority for teaching and knowing sanity between insanity. Actually listening as kids have witnessed things, report things and nothing was done. If you see something, say something right? BUT WHEN NOTHING IS DONE! We as the people, are voices slip through the cracks because it's a political world right?


Thanks,
Maddie

Because Mother You Weren't There.

So doing it different tonight:
 Here's a letter to my Mother,

Mom,

Am I even sure that I can call you that, you haven't earned that title you've put me through hell and fire and I never truly found the ice to heal the burning sores that you left in my heart? little by little since I was young enough to remember you tore pieces of me off, changing me, dictating me, abusing me. But Mom, I sat and I loved you anyway, the booze got the best of you, time and time again. Vodka was its name, the demon you carry inside sometimes whiskey, other times Rum. You do not know the scars that you have left, while the physical damage is gone, the collateral still is shown on the inside. Mom, you were supposed to love me and hold me close, to be there and teach me things, instead, you found your way down the neck of the bottle but each time I forgave you. I think it was the love I craved, the love that only a true mother could give to her childern, the kind that knows no bounds. I've always wondered what your arms would feel like, had you ever hugged me and held me tight. Yes, let's not take recognition to the younger days where your drinking was tamed and a song or two that once rolled from your lips so pretty. I used to think that you should be a singer, you had the voice. But those days soon were washed away by the scent of booze, pool tables, and cheap cologne, that came with the bar up the road. I don't know if you remember all the times that you wouldn't come home. Where Dad, sis and I would wonder where mom was? I remember because who can truly forget the mother that wasn't there. I have to stop and question sometimes if you even remember half of the shit you put us all through. Should I go into detail about the two different times that we ended up homeless and how we ended up there each time, if I recall your selfishness got in the way, your pride and delusion that we needed a stable "Man" in our lives drove you to chose all the wrong ones except for Dad, who fell out of love with you before the marriage got started but he stayed, he tried, he cared and he loved us, girls, more than you did. You know mom, it took me years to get over what you did, secretly praying that you'd loved us, that you would finally come around and be the Mom I needed. Which brings us to the now of it all. Which chance are we on now Mom, six? I should have drawn the line at none, but because my eager heart ached so deeply and thought, in faith that my mother, an alcoholic, once an alcoholic always will be, would change that she actually cared, but its still the same boozy selfishness, the only difference. I'm an adult now, and I say when you can't hurt me anymore. You've done enough damage, now it's time to leave me be. My kids need me, my three beautiful bright-eyed boys, the ones that you will never have a chance to corrupt, the ones that will eventually ask mama about her past, I may or may not tell them. But what I know now is I'm a damn good mother, one that cares and strives for her children success, one who knows, there's a time for fun and there are times to be serious. You couldn't differentiate the two, it was like life was one big selfish game to you, and if you didn't get what you wanted you moved on. That's okay Mom, cause now I can finally say I'm done. Thank you for teaching me how to be a better mother to my boys. I've become strong without you, a damn good woman without you, I've learned to accept that I don't have a mom and saying that pains my heart but over time it won't you'll be a stranger to me. I want you to remember one thing as I go. You did this to yourself, no one but you, you chose this Mother. You, not me. I can hear you in my head, saying" you and your sister have always treated me like Dog Shit, you do not care " I've gotten mad and I've screamed at you before in the past but Mother please understand, when your told that you are the cause of someones drinking, you shrink, maybe a couple inches maybe more, You do not know the things you say or the harm you cause. Goodbye


Thanks, Maddy

The truth behind the Mom.

As a parent and full-time college student, things can get harder, harder than most can imagine. Tonight Twin 1, spilled an 8 0z bottle of formula down his new Pj outfit, just bathed and now smelling like a load of milk and if you've ever smelled children's formula you would know that it stinks, and if it settles it smells even worse. Making things harder,

Admitting that you have a problem is always the first step they say. since having the twins life is chaos and this mom like every other mom around me, has PPD. If you do not know what that is, it's the dreaded depression that 9/10 moms get after having a baby.. Post Partum depression  Oh, wait a minute... You mean woman don't just pop out babies and become maternal and shit?

No, Not all the time, we have a maternal instinct, yes, but just like the daddies, our lives are changed. our lives are sucked from us and changed to become all about the tiny being that we nurtured. Our lives are changed and all true mothers would agree that it's for the best. That also doesn't mean that there is a big adjustment period where our moods are up and down and after giving birth, Hello... Hormones, they are like kids jacked up on sugar where a crash is not expected.

I know that I said that I wouldn't do any mom blogs but this is not that, one post is as good as it gets. topics can get limited in the life of a mom. Post-Partum depression doesn't mean that a mom hates her kids, it means that the change from 0 to 1 or 1 to an automatic 3 like me means that shit just got real and we must change our views of happiness to fit the new life we are in.

Mom should mean resilient, even the men readers look at your moms or the mother figures in your lives think about the sacrifice that they went  through to make sure you were okay. If you have a Mother like mine then don't go on the defense I also mentioned Mother figures because there are plenty of women who can not handle or adapt to what being a mom entails. My Mother, avid alcoholic, and liar. We don't have a relationship because her relationship with booze  was stronger than the bond of mother and daughter, but over the many tears spilled years of dreaming that I had a mommy that loved me, a few very strong woman filled that void. I am a Daddies girl, and he's not even my blood. My stepfather stepped up and become the Mom and Dad that I was missing in my life. 


Anyway, my point is that before the idea that when a woman becomes a mother they are expected to be independent, take care of the children and let go of dreams, because of thats what we as woman are "programmed" to do. We are supposed to automatically be okay with it. Please our lives are stressful, we have gray hair before were 30, we don't have great figures a lot of us aren't even on the "MILF" status.  A lot of us have at one point wished that we would have waited to have babies, but the smiles and their personality and the little things they do that amaze us erases all doubt in an instant.
so to all my Mothers, You are outstanding! and

 the father readers, you guys are great ( I can't leave ya'll out) You've actually stuck around through all the crazy

Thanks,
Maddie 

Social Experiment or Just Done With The Bull Shit?

Why don't you tell me?

I've always been an interactive social media user. I've loved the groups, the drama, the humor and being able to connect and be apart of strangers internet lives. Yesterday something happened, something that I'm not at all ready to be open about quite yet but it's something that will make 2018 and possible 2019 the worst time in my life.
       In the midst of something happening I stopped and thought about the drama, the fake, the noticed and the not and made the decision to disconnect from Facebook, Instagram, snap chat, some where along the way of blossoming into a social butterfly I've experienced, birth and loss and terrible news. I've realized that I have lost sight of myself, where I'm going in my life and who I truly am inside.

I'm also so very tired of the fake " I care about you, I'll be praying" those words are as shallow as a kids pool. Online that’s what you hear, constantly those who hide behind the screen conform to the actions of others. It’s always what the majority is doing instead of finding ways to be ourselves. I’ve alwats encouraged uniqueness but with the Boom of Social media face to face interactions are almost. Nonexistent. Take a look at the dating scene, online. What happened to the romantic comedies where girl meets guy by spilling her drink or being a klutz? Yeah that doesn’t happen. Being rude to one another is the new normal. So along the way of my disconnect from Facebook I am going to document more of the social interactions that I have. (Trust me with twins you have a lot).

It’s a shame really that terrifying news would cause someone to retract into a shell. But not surprising as people change they take in information and grow around it. I myself am trying to find the light through this darkness, even though the outcome is unavoidable I can make peace and appreciate the world around me alittle more. Okay, I’m not taking about the people cause there’s only a couple dozen that have the strict morals that I was raised with all the rest are loosy goosey. I’m talking about the beauty that’s still in the world, a helping hand, a smile, a random act of kindness and the beauty of Earth itself. Even though we’ve caused the climate change, greenhouse gases and global warming. The Earth is still the most beautiful place I know and when Emersed in nature someone can find the light that has been tucked away. Besides isn’t it good to approach things with an open, clear mind?

I’m goung to wrap this post up with alittle word to the wise:

There is so much bullshit in the world that it is important to weed out the truth, tell the truth and be openly honest with those around you. Lying and causing bullshit never ended well. Own up to your actions and take responsibility you will be more respected if you do.

Oh shit, I’m being sentimental 🤦🏻‍♀️

Thank you,
Maddie

The Bitchiness of some people.

Oh no, she did not put the word Bitch in the title of her post, is she crazy? Honestly I do wonder  if I am but here of late I've discovered that life is way too short and fly's by way too quick to even give a damn.
"It's not lady like" Let me stop you there because I've heard it all. Popping out children does not mean that I am to follow lady rules and be a fashionista mommy. I like makeup and clothes as much as the next lady but I will cuss like a sailor until my dying day that's just who I am.
Let me tell ya'll a story.
I was recently in a heated argument with a random girl on Facebook over a comment on a post that she had no business replying to, but because she wanted to stick her brown nose where it did not belong. So she went into a complete bitch mode  "Blah, blah, blah" Don't you just love that. Yes, I know that its Facebook and I shouldn't expect any less but one thing that I can not stand is a condescending tone. She continued to call me sweetheart and Hon all the while having an all about me, "I'm right" attitude in her replies. For one I'm not your sweetheart lady and just back off the post, it would have been a simple fix for the both us of us but ignorance won her over. 

This is the bitchiness of some people, the world has failed us. It's turned privacy into an open book, it's allowed connections through the internet with only 50% true intentions. It's conditioned and composed us to believe that our attitudes towards others is justifiable because of this or that. Excuse after excuse we find ways to turn the page and avoid taking fault. We are so quick to place blame that the action becomes habitual and we are then stuck in a spiral of " I'm always right, never wrong" We do not use our critical thinking skills like we used to, we don't rely on data or facts but on the he said she said and what technology says is correct. I fear if the technological grid would be wiped out a good portion of the population would be left with their thumbs up their asses. I also can not help but assume that because we have fallen into the pattern of placing blame that a lot of the crimes and murders that have taken place in these last few years is the result of unhappy voting.   We take things half folded and faced down and watch the actions of those in power, if we disagree we act out. We become Bitchy and rebellious over a cause that would change nothing, It's a never ending cycle that will lead to destruction. It's almost 2018 and we have failed to see that reasoning and logic are our best bet when it comes to survival without the basics we either end in fear, or hatred, anger and sadness. The negative will forever override the positive because we ALLOW it to. I'm not saying that being bitchy is a bad thing because we all can get a bit bitchy especially if someone talks about things that hit a nerve inside all of us. What I'm talking about is the intentional unwanted bitchiness, the because I can bitchiness. It's clear that the  person knows that they are acting or sounding a certain way but will turn around and say "Treat people the way that you want to be treated" Hypocritical. My question is Where do they learn this behavior and who's teaching these actions as proper. I'm shaking my head typing this because come on people wake up and see that kindness, extends a long way. show it, speak it, live it.

If you have someone that would benefit from reading these words I urge you to share and always comment what you think? Commenting helps me improve what I write about.



Thank you,
Madyson

The quiet might just be a killer..

The quiet is there.
Oh yes I said it and if your like me, you know where this is heading.
When your a mom, your day is hectic you are running around... Let me rephrase that. When you are a Stay At home mom...
Your literally the kids's snack bitch. You have to put aside the free time you used to enjoy to wait on  babies hand and foot.
If you have three kids, quiet time is nonexistent, quiet time means that the children have corrupted one another into breaking things. Drawing on walls, carving holes. They become crafty little magicians and you are left a slave in a home with kids that are hell on wheels.
So when its quiet either they have fallen asleep for a few blissful minutes but to have all three asleep at once is a laugh. it never happens and so the quiet comes at night in the 3 hour stretch that mom closes her eyes finally.

I said no mom blogs and this isn't that, above was a clear example that the phrase "Silence is deadly" has some truth behind it and not in the way that you think. The world is noisy and stays noisy day and night there is no such thing as true silence because even when the hum of machinery or every day appliances cease to make noise. Nature is there to creep its head and the crickets chirp or the wind blows. We have been trained to enjoy the serene sounds of nature because the quiet is not truly quiet just replaced by noises that we are conditioned to ignore.
It's actually quite funny the more you sit and think of the little things all around us, our brains tell our eyes what to look for and what we should be listening for.
I've known people who entertain the notion that, you can not train your brain to respond only to certain things, example Trauma, out of intrigue we connect to traumatic experiences. If someone gets hurt around us we are curious our minds wander. Maybe that's the thing that we can not control. We have an underlying ability to tune out the world and sit in our own man made silence. blankly staring at the wall, not a thought in our minds. Yeah some of you know exactly what I'm talking about cause we do this constantly. Like our own personal bubbles that we chose to lose ourselves in.

The way that our minds work is intriguing so many gears that grind, thoughts that we think. I believe that I am rambling at this point but who cares. Late night thoughts might be the best topic starters.

Not having the time that I do nowadays, three kids leaves you on the brink of falling asleep standing up, so my mind doesn't have time to race or even think about anything besides "What do the kids need", or halfway though the day thinking "You haven't pulled anything out for dinner, you have a three year old to feed" I know I've said it before that the world may often too many times be fast paced even in our sleep, we bust out dreams like they are papers in a copy machine. We often forget that taking a minute to listen to the "silence" can actually benefit our health. Once we stop, sit and breath, the world becomes quiet to us and the calm begins, that moment of peace that we all search for can be found if we gave it a chance to find us in that minute.

Thanks
Madyson.